Looks

by aaron on June 29th, 2008

When people ask me who he looks like, it’s the honest truth that he looks like both of us. We’ve compared him to our own baby photos and we can tell he’s definitely ours. He has these wonderful large feet and long fingers. We think he’s going to be tall, which runs on both sides of our family (it skipped past me, though … but I’m the only chump who got stuck with curly hair).

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that he looks like both of us. I’m not, really. I tried imagining what he would look like. I looked at other people’s babies and thought, that baby doesn’t look like he’d be our kid. Now that I look at Sebastian, even though I know he will change drastically in the coming weeks and months, he looks exactly the way he’s supposed to look, and I just can’t get over how beautiful he is. He looks so perfect. It’s funny, Michelle says sometimes it’s not that he looks like me, but that I look like him, which I absolutely love.

Today my mom came over and watched him for a couple hours while Michelle and I went on a date to lunch and the grocery store. This one time while we were shopping, I just went up to her and without thinking I held her tight. She’s given me everything that I love the most. And I love looking in my son’s face and seeing her in him. This is what family is, this is why people have kids, this is what it’s all about. It’s been many sleepless nights and every day seems to have it’s own drama and the thought of him depending on me and Michelle for practically everything in his life just blows my mind. But it is absolutely and undoubtedly and unbelievably amazing.

Sebastian, Gracie, and Me

by aaron on June 29th, 2008

He watches me closely as I hold him, biting his knuckles in anticipation. What comes next, now that I have him? What are my plans for him? Do I know about his dirty diaper? Do I realize that since I produce no milk, I am merely the tall, curly-headed thing who brings him to the milk-producing one.

Meanwhile, the dog waits.

Pump

by aaron on June 28th, 2008

Breastpumps have these futuristic-looking connection devices that are made of several pieces of plastic that need to be taken apart, washed, boiled (until the thrush clears), and put back together. Every time I do this I think about Forrest Gump disassembling his firearm in record time. And so I figure I’m pretty much like that.

17 days

by aaron on June 28th, 2008

Yesterday we had another first. We took Sebastian to his first Mexican restaurant. It was about 4 in the afternoon and there was hardly anybody there, and so we sat in a booth and put him and his carseat on the table. He was 17 days old and I’ve never wished for a miniature sombrero so much in my life.

We also took him into Target for the first time. Earlier in the day, we had gone to visit the Baptist hospital lactation consultants. Over the course of that two-hour meeting, he had eaten more formula and breastmilk than he’s used to. And so on the way to Target, he decided it would be a good idea to have a poop-blowout in his carseat. So when we got there it took us about 20 minutes to clean him and the carseat. It was everywhere, all over his body, in his hair.

Once he was clean, Michelle put him in a peanut-shell sling and as we were walking in (keep in mind I am holding a dirty diaper wad and about 50 dirty wipes), I heard someone shouting out that I should get a styrofoam container to put it all in. Which I thought was a strange thing for someone to say, then we turned and it was our friend Jared driving by. So he was our first heckler :)

Walking through Target with the little guy was so surreal. For me at least. For Michelle it felt perfectly natural, especially while he was close to her in the sling. Afterall, she’d been carrying him like that for over nine months, just on the inside. There I was with the diaper bag slung over my shoulder for the first time, in kind of a daze thinking we’re here, and we have this wonderful little secret tucked away in a sling.

Walking out to the car we saw one of our old friends who we hadn’t seen since my Crema opening in February. At first he didn’t even believe that there was a baby in the sling until Michelle showed him. Then after a time, he told us that he had some bad news, that his dad had passed away the day before. At first, both Michelle and I thought he might be joking (why would he joke about that? We used to joke about everything, but probably not about that … I think we were just amazed that he was still standing after something like that). But no, he was not joking, and proceeded to tell us the heartbreaking story of his dad’s journey, his chemo, his pain, and even the last time he opened his eyes.

I don’t think it was an accident we ran into each other the day after his father’s passing. Here I was, having known him for the past eight years and just having become a father myself, and here he was on the other  side of it, having just experienced the loss of his daddy. So last night I allowed myself to do something I’d dreamed about for months … I fell asleep on the couch holding Sebastian tightly in my arms. Life is going to trod by so quickly for us, and I want to stop letting myself pass up these rare moments with my son and with my wife, simple specs of time where we can just enjoy each other in these pure moments of bliss.

Thrush sucks

by aaron on June 28th, 2008

If I haven’t said it before, I’m saying it now. Thrush sucks. It’s a yeast infection that passes between baby and mother, and it probably took hold when the hospital wiped her system out by giving her antibiotics after the delivery.

But it’s excruciating for her. It feels like needles sticking in places they shouldn’t. It’s emotionally draining because breastfeeding shouldn’t hurt so bad. And we have to boil everything after we use it, she’s supposed to stay away from anything with sugar/carbs/yeast/dairy in it until this gets cleared up, which could take days or weeks.

And she’s taking some pills for it. It’s a treatment that needs to be 14 pills in 14 days. Our wonderful insurance company will literally only pay for one half of one pill. Which amounts to $2. No joke.

Michelle and our pediatrician both have said that it can hurt as bad as the labor did. And we thought that this kind of pain was supposed to be over in the hospital.

Thrush sucks. If you like thrush or were thinking of getting it for fun, I’d encourage you to reconsider.

What was I thinking?

by aaron on June 26th, 2008

I thought for sure that once baby came home and I took a few weeks off from work that I would be able to get so much done around the house, get caught up with finances, planning, cleaning, etc … but seriously, there has been no time. I never accounted for the steep learning curve that comes with bringing a baby home for the first time, adjusting to his schedule, trying to get sleep in and the very occasional shower. It’s been a lot. Some of it has been very difficult, and breastfeeding has been tougher than we ever anticipated. Our pediatrician drew us a bell curve and explained to us how from now and 6-8 weeks old, the crying and fussiness is only going to get worse before it gets better.

But here I am, I go back to “work” on Monday (both at the church and freelance). Which I’m trying not to think about. Thank God I asked for three weeks off. The first week was spent at the hospital. The second was spent NOT sleeping a wink and just trying to keep all three of us alive. This week has been a mixture of lots of different things. We’re getting more sleep, but there have been lots of emotional and physical challenges that aren’t really quantifiable, but are definitely real.

And he is SO FREAKING CUTE.

We’ll get into a routine. Then it will change, and we’ll have no choice but to change with it. I don’t know how people juggle all this, but I know they’ve been doing it for thousands of years. We’ll get it. Some things we’ve got down just fine.

I finally was able to digitize the videos I’ve taken so far. It took me that long to get a Firewire cable that didn’t cost $40. But it works great with iMovie.

Apple rocks.

I’m very inspired to write and make art. No time right now. But it will come. This was a really cool find. And so was this.

In Rainbows

by aaron on June 26th, 2008

Yesterday I was watching a Radiohead concert on tv while holding Sebastian. When I hit mute, he started crying. When I turned it up, he stopped. I did this several times. In fact, the louder I turned it up, the calmer he got.

My boy’s a Radiohead fan. I couldn’t be more proud.

Thrush

by aaron on June 23rd, 2008

So it looks like he probably does have thrush … after a quick talk with triage at the pediatricians office this morning, they decided that it sounds like what he has and we’re treating both him and mommy with some meds. I can’t tell you how relieved and hopeful we are that this could solve some of our breastfeeding/crankiness problems of the past week.

I’m quickly learning a few things:
• Food from this point on will get cold before I’m finished eating it. Probably before I even start.
• “Time” is nothing more than a magazine at the doctor’s office.
• Swaddling is kind of fun.
• All my clothes will now be adorned with one stain or another, with varying degrees of grossness and/or coolness.

Oh, and Sebastian lost his umbilical cord today! I noticed it was missing during his first diaper change of the morning, but couldn’t find it anywhere. The next diaper change I took his clothes completely off, and then I noticed what looked like a small round piece of dried dog poop sitting there on the changing pad. And I didn’t even hesitate to pick it up to inspect it, and that’s when I saw that it was the last remains of his primary physical connection to his mom. Which is pretty amazing. It’s one of those things that we have to decide, do we keep something like that? It’s kinda sweet and kinda weird at the same time.

For now, we’re keeping it.

Snippets

by aaron on June 22nd, 2008

The last time I remember looking at the clock last night was 4am. Then he got us back up around 6. So with only two hours of sleep, he was not the only unhappy camper in the house. Michelle was wonderful though and let me sleep for a few more hours.

This morning I picked up a nursing bra off the floor and put it back on the bed. With my toes. I also put my jeans on with one hand. These are feats I will have to master with a baby in one arm.

Today I accidentally fasted for 21 hours. I was hoping to get a spiritual enlightenment out of the deal. Instead, I was just really freaking hungry.

We went out of the house without Sebastian for the first time today. His grandma watched him while we were gone, so we knew he was in great hands. It was the last day of the Works with Words exhibit at the Library, and Michelle hadn’t seen it yet. My dad, stepmom and brother went with us too. I was excited when I saw a small group of people walk over to my painting and talk about how it was their favorite piece in the entire exhibit. That was a surreal feeling. Until I realized they were actually talking about the piece right next to mine.

I hope to God that tonight is better than last night. We’re looking into the possibility that a case of thrush might be causing our breastfeeding and grumpy baby problems. We’ll see what the pediatrician says about it.

3am

by aaron on June 19th, 2008

So it’s 3am and I was changing his dirty diaper and he’s screaming his head off the whole time, telling the neighbors what awful things I’m doing to him. And I’m like, dude, it’s 3am and I’m trying to help you out. I should be the one screaming. I could have just let you soak in your own filth until morning … but you don’t listen. Just scream like the banshee.